Dating with IDD: How the Right Support Makes Relationships Possible

It’s been almost eight years since Ashley Heisner, supported through Mosaic at Home Shared Living, began dating her boyfriend Mike. Yet, even after that amount of time, Ashley sometimes asks her Home Provider, Kristina Smith, for help when she hits a bump in the road with him.

“When I do have troubles with him, I ask for help because I don’t know how to talk to men all the time,” she said. 

Dating can be a challenge for anyone. It’s sometimes hard to know exactly what another person is thinking or feeling based on what they say and do. Sometimes, members of Mosaic’s workforce, like Kristina, help the people they support navigate this uncertainty. That support often involves conversations about boundaries, logistics, finances and, sometimes, guardian objections.

It starts with the Personal Outcomes Measures® (POMs)

Relationships is one of the areas Mosaic checks on as part of the Personal Outcomes interview done annually with people supported. POMs are a framework to measure an individual’s quality of life. According to Angela Mincks, a Mosaic Service Excellence Senior Professional, “People have friends” and “People have intimate relationships” are two of the statements that are explored.

“Maybe they don’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend or want to get married, but we talk with people about what they want out of close, intimate relationships.” she said.

Setting boundaries

If a person does want to date, Mincks said staff start with educational conversations about healthy dating relationships. Topics include communications, reciprocality, and how to set boundaries to remain safe. 

“We provide them with education around those things in order for them to be safe and not be exploited,” she said. “We are here to provide a safe space.”

Mincks gave this example: if someone would enjoy hugging and kissing—but no more—Mosaic helps them learn how to say ‘no’ in that moment and be firm.

Making the date happen

Kristina often helps Ashley with planning the date, because they have to work around multiple people’s schedules. Often, the date is just going for a walk somewhere or having dinner at home with Kristina and her husband, Alex. 

Neither Mike nor Ashley are able to drive, so Kristina and Alex provide transportation. Mike lives on his own with no support, so when he comes over to spend time with Ashley, Alex picks him up and takes him home. When planning a date out, Kristina and Alex go along. At first they would sit with Mike and Ashley, but now they sit at a separate table within eyesight. 

Ashley said she’s grateful for the help because, prior to Mosaic, other organizations wouldn’t assist with those things. Kristina cannot imagine not helping. 

“It’s the right thing to do,” she said. “They need to have connections with people.”

For people who live in group homes, there’s also planning around the other residents and figuring out a way to ensure privacy, Mincks said. If one of the people receives services through another organization, it also means coordinating with that support team as well.

Paying for the date

Mike and Ashley don’t go out often. State regulations limit how much of their monthly income they can keep, so it’s not just about planning the date, but also about saving up so it can happen. When the couple plans to go to a restaurant, Kristina looks over the menu with Ashley beforehand so she knows what to order that she’ll like and will stay within her budget. 

If the relationship gets serious and people talk about wanting to get married, another financial conversation has to happen, Mincks said. Marriage could jeopardize the benefits they receive. She works to provide them with all the information they need to make a decision that’s right for them in their situation. 

Guardian conversations

While Ashley is a self-guardian, sometimes people who are not may have guardians who object to them dating. For example, Mincks said she has had a number of conversations with anxious parents who have a difficult time seeing their child as an adult who could be in a relationship. 

“It’s a person’s right to date,” Mincks said. 

She believes this is a taboo subject in society and in the disability services realm. 

“I think we, as a society, have a long way to go to give more people the control over this aspect of their life,” she said.  

Valentine’s Day for all

Mincks said the taboo around the subject exists because there’s a common belief that people with disabilities do not think about or have a desire to date or be in a romantic relationship. Her experience as a member of Mosaic’s workforce and Ashley’s lived experience show that is not true. 

They just need the right supports to make it possible.