Be A Friend to People with Disabilities: 7 Ways to Communicate Respectfully

“Treat others as they want to be treated” is an important ground rule for communicating and interacting with people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD). The other ground rule, according to Karen Fry, a BoaMord Certified Behavior Analyst at Mosaic, is to be patient. 

Following those two rules brought a 180-degree change for Hollie Hoover, served by Mosaic in Delaware. The previous organization she was served by only saw her as a problem, and that’s the way they treated her. But not Mosaic. 

“When Hollie came, it was difficult because she didn’t trust anybody,” said Nalini Bhagwandin, manager at the house Hollie moved into. “We treated her like she is supposed to be treated. She started to trust and then started talking with us.’

She now lives a happy, full life. It started with making clear, respectful communication a priority. 

Communicating respectfully with people who have disabilities is one way to be a better friend and let them know they belong. Here are seven ways to start:

Say “Hello.”

• Next time you encounter someone with a disability, introduce yourself. A smile and a warm “hello” is sometimes all it takes to make someone feel at ease.

Talk directly to the person.

• Often, someone with a disability may be accompanied by someone who assists them. Ensure you don’t try to “talk through” that helper, but instead talk directly to the person.
• Fry said that if a caregiver is present, you can ask what’s the best way to communicate with the person they’re supporting. Even if the caregiver has to use sign language or gestures to help the person understand, keep your eyes on the person, not the caregiver.

Pay attention to what the person is saying.

• Active listening requires effort on our part. Reduce distractions, such as your cell phone, and give the other person all your attention. 
• If the person communicates with words and you do not understand something, do not pretend to understand; instead ask, “Can you repeat that?” Any one of us would rather repeat ourselves than be misunderstood. Extend the person that same courtesy.

Be OK with silence.

• This takes patience—some days we want to engage with others, some days we are less inclined to do so. Give the person that same option. Silence is OK. Sometimes sitting silently with someone is comforting and comfortable.
• From the start, Fry said, it’s important to remember to be patient, because some people need more processing time, which may be longer than you expect. Don’t mistake that for someone not understanding what you said. Without patience, “communication just goes downhill.”
  

Use language that communicates clearly.

• Find the balance between using language that is simple and clear instead of language that is childlike. “Don’t use baby talk,” Fry said. 
• If you can find things you have in common—such as work, hobbies, sports, etc.—it will help with clarity since those things have a common language. 

Offer your help, but do not force it.

• “May I help you with that?” is a good question to use. People generally would like to try to accomplish things on their own before having someone else step in and help. You can offer your assistance, but do not force it. We all want to make our own decisions on what we can or cannot do.
  

Respect personal space.

• Do not force touch. It is easiest to let the other person take the lead in this area, but do not do anything you are uncomfortable with. If the person wants a hug or to hold hands and you are not comfortable with that, offer some alternative as a substitute such as, “I like fist bumps. Let’s do that!”

“We all know communication is extremely important, but it can be challenging,” Fry said. “Be creative with communication. Many people who have difficulty speaking can communicate effectively using signs, gestures, pictures, talking buttons, apps on a tablet, or writing. Give people many options and see what works best. You may be surprised at someone’s ability to communicate when given different options. What a great way to help someone feel like they belong.”